On the Freedom of Being Authentically Me
From a young age, I thought fitting in was the only way to be accepted. Whether it was wearing all the right clothes in middle school (or the matching scrunchie on my wrist.. that was a weird trend) — making my friends laugh as I stumbled around buzzy and unusually chatty at a party in high school or college — or busting my tail to live up to all the pressure and expectations I felt when I eventually became a mom —
That deep desire to fit in has followed me through much of my life, and it’s been a powerful, ensnaring influence.
I now understand that conformity is fraught with pitfalls, so in this post I’ll dive into why trying to fit in actually made me the worst version of myself, as well as what I learned by breaking free.
The Perils of Fitting In.
The trap in trying to fit in at any life stage is that there’s fundamental paradox inherent to it from the start. In our culture, there’s pressure to conform to societal standards at the very same time that society also says to be an individual. There are implicit (yet rigid) definitions of what counts as acceptable behavior and appearance, especially for women and girls, but at the very same time there’s also a social pressure to be different — to be unique.
I think that’s why trying to fit in has been especially painful in my life.
The contradiction to be the same and also different created a double bind for me, and I struggled for years with low self esteem and even a deep loathing of myself at times because of it. The same girl who courageously took up a microphone and a Patsy Cline song for the fifth grade talent show also wanted desperately to be a foot shorter and two bra cups smaller to blend in better with all her friends. That kind of paradox has followed me for much of my life and no doubt created a hell of a lot of angst for me. I don’t think I really felt secure or confident in my self until way later than many others usually do.
The Fear of Rejection.
The conflict to fit in also showed up for me in all the things I didn’t go after, for fear of standing out even more — or worse, being rejected. I gave up piano lessons and concert band just as I was getting good because it “wasn’t cool.” I walked off both cross country and track teams in high school when the runs hurt too much because I wouldn’t dare be the last one to finish. And I half-assed my way through most of college, turning instead to the cheaper thrills at frat parties and on AOL instant messenger. (The way I just rolled over and surrendered to that sophomore year D in statistics still makes me shudder).
The deep pressure to excel but also a deep fear of being a failure has paralyzed me time and time again when life has gotten hard. And my resistance to change or improve myself in vulnerable areas over my lifetime has probably limited me in more ways than I want to ever really admit. Trying to be anything more or less than what you’re not will erode your self-worth, and keep you trapped in a very lonely, stressful cycle — at some point, I decided conformity was no longer for me.
The Liberation of Authenticity.
In a world that values conformity and sameness, but also insists that we be interesting and unique, learning to live more authentically has actually been liberating. Living with authenticity means embracing and expressing your truest self — every feared flaw and all — and doing so has unleashed a joy in my life that I only wish I could have realized long ago.
For one, it’s the cornerstone of my most genuine connections and relationships now. When I show up authentically, without pretense or facade—it invites others to know and appreciate the true me. In being my real self, I have been able to forge some of the deepest, most meaningful and fulfilling experiences with the people in my life who mean the very most to me.
Authenticity has also empowered me, since owning my truth and inner knowing gives me agency over my experience of the world. By being exactly who I am as I am, I’m creating the exact life I want to live – transcending any external measure of success or validation, and moving closer to my life’s truest purpose and deepest delights.
And then perhaps one of the most profound and powerful aspects of authenticity for me has been its ripple effect. When I embody authenticity, it inspires others around me to do the same. My courage to be myself has been a catalyst for transformation all around me, in both my work and in my personal relationships, and others around me have embraced more of their own inner most truths because of it too. Living more authentically has been an incredible force for positive change in my small corner of the world, and in that way, I believe that it’s actually liberating all of us.
Conclusion.
Conformity was perilous for me, but authenticity has been my lifeline — literally, it keeps me feeling more alive. And living more authentically has no doubt been the basis for so much personal growth and transformation in my journey — it’s the way I’ve built a life for myself with deeper purpose, satisfaction, and joy today.
By honoring our truest selves and showing up exactly as we are, any of us can unlock the power that is living our most authentic life. And from all I’ve gained from it so far, I’m passionately convinced that authenticity is a kind of freedom everyone deserves to know.
